T

shavingryansprivates:

jontronshat:

shavingryansprivates:

KFC employees truly do not care about anything. ask for a 10 piece and they give you 15

I’m a fellow whovian and i can confirm this

what





jakemalik:

I respect those people who get a lot done on their days off cause I am the absolute opposite and do nothing all day whenever I can





Actual Quotes from my Dad (An English Teacher)

Dad:  Why the hell did you put a comma there?
Dad:  Do you even know what a participial phrase is?
Dad:  Omg. He's like my favorite character of all time.
Dad:  Who should I dress up as for the movie premier?
Dad:  Hey are you awake? I know it's late, but you read Animal Farm, right? Yeah. I need you to read this report. I can't tell if I am just super tired or if this is actual bullshit.
Dad:  Alesha wouldn't be able to spell 'definitely' right if wrote it down for her. She would fucking erase it and then write 'defiantly', because she doesn't care. I hate her.
Dad:  I need you to bake brownies. I lost a bet.
Dad:  Omg. You cannot ship me with Gilcher. You know I don't like tattoos and he's like twenty-five. And for Christ's sake, he teaches math.
Dad:  Omg. Gilcher said the funniest thing today.
Dad:  Mrs. Ashworth and I have decided to start a band. It'll be called Great Expectations.
Dad:  It's like you didn't read the fucking book.
Dad:  Okay. So this week you're reading this book I stole from Mrs. Ashworth's. It's like sixty pages long, but you'll love it.
Dad:  *puts books on my bed for me to read everyday and demands that I read them*
Dad:  My son doesn't like reading. I have not only failed him, but society. You aren't my son. Leave.
Dad:  Okay. So you're getting books for Christmas. All of you. I get discounts on them since I'm a teacher, and since I'm a teacher, it's all I can afford, so...
Dad:  Fucking standardized testing can go fuck itself in the ass.
Dad:  I have to teach for the required testing instead of what they really need to know.
Dad:  Fuck the government.
Dad:  Fuck the school board.
Dad:  Close the door.
Dad:  Charles Dickens was so fucking pretentious, and I hate him, but he also caused change, but he's such a Dick. Ha. DICKens.
Dad:  I love puns.
Dad:  People who say sarcasm is the lowest form of humor are assholes.
Dad:  Please shut up.
Dad:  Catching Fire was the worst book but the best movie and that feels weird.
Dad:  I wouldn't get so mad when you call me at school if you didn't change your ringtones to inappropriate rap music.
Dad:  I fucking hate Alesha. She asked what countries were apart of Austria-Hungary today and I almost told her to get out.
Dad:  You cannot visit my school in a dress that short. There are boys there.
Dad:  Barbra Parks is fucking Queen.
Dad:  I need you to make me a good, relaxing playlist for silent reading. I'm too lazy.
Dad:  If I have to watch two of my students grind on each other at one more dance, I will kill them both.
Dad:  They act like I care what they think.
Dad:  I hate homework.
Dad:  I have decided to become a politician.
Dad:  What's the one book with the guys and the one kills the other and the chick without a name who dies and the short angry man? Mouseman? Oh my fucking gosh. Of Mice and Men. I have failed.




assbutt-in-the-garrison:

kiwiggle:

lumos5001:

scotsmcall:

zaynyboy:

ok but literally how

HE TURNED FOUR BIRDS INTO A PERSON THIS IS OBVIOUSLY A WIZARD WHO HAS ESCAPED HOGWARTS SOMEONE CALL THE MINISTRY OF MAGIC FUCK THIS (via fortheloveofotps)

????????? I am concerned where did the baby birdies go

where in the. what. how did the. i. what the fuck man









colesprouseofficial:

sorry! your password must contain at least seventeen roman numerals and the entire script of shrek the third





craigslistdad:

and that’s when it came up and swallowed me millionth dollar





skate-high:

I was having a bad day until I randomly got a text from a wrong number with nothing but this picture

image





unclefather:

we take for granted all the times our nose isn’t stuffy





xoautumnangel:

savodraws:

I am the only one who does this orr…

Or you miss a random little spot and it ruins your entire life until you shave it off





darning-socks:

World record for Fastest “Make Riy Hate You”: 5 minutes





victimizedbysuperwholock:

hazifiy:

disheartens:

I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT awkward teenage girl who sorta wants a man but can’t really get one 

i feel this spiritually

I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT awkward adult woman who sorta wants a man but can’t really get one